General

It's not that hard. Don't be shallow and find things about them you find attractive.

If this fetish is so important to you, then either you communicate your needs with your partner or you can exclusively go after fellow kinksters.

If you want to get sexual pleasure outside of feedism, see a sex therapist.

I empathise. One can't help what one finds attractive, and it can be very difficult when there is a disconnect between what one finds erotic and romantic attraction.

Ideally, one would find a partner who fits on both levels, but that can be fantastically difficult - the circles on the Venn diagram may not even touch.

It's then a matter of deciding what to do about it: (1) pursue relationships with those with whom one has a romantic connexion, and deal with the lack of erotic connexion one way or another; (2) pursue relationships with whom one finds an erotic and romantic bond, but on the understanding that finding this commonality is inherently extremely difficult; or (3) take the view that the game is not worth the candle and give up entirely.

Those three options, I think, exhaust at least the ethically acceptable options. It's a matter of a cost-benefit analysis as to which is more suited to your particular situation. The real trouble with this decision is the limited information that one has available, including about how one would really feel in each of the three situations. I had myself opted for (3) for many years until I fell for someone entirely outside this sphere - and then blew it with her. Having been reminded, albeit fleetingly, of what a real romantic connexion with someone amazing is like, it is hard to return to (3).

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that it works out for you.

Because you have to have the conversation with them about what the fetish is and it's your responsibility not to project it onto them, which isn't difficult at all.

If you don't know how to say "this turns my crank" without them feeling like *they* have to be the one to turn that crank, it is *absolutely* deep-seated fatphobia or at the very least insecurity because you aren't able to be vulnerable. You are not compatible with these people because you cannot be the partner they deserve that is open to them. Somewhere, you still have shame about it—not about being attracted to fat people but the way people would judge *you* for it—and that is definitely rooted in internalized fatphobia. Just as you would be hurt by someone withholding something like that regardless whether or not you'd judge them, you are doing the same.

It's so super gross when an FA comes in here and says something like "This is so hard-wired in me!" as if it isn't for anyone with any other kink on the planet. Like that's literally the point of having fetishes and kinks. I can't tell you how, as an actual fat person, that feels and sounds like coming from others who are not (though your profile doesn't indicate either way so my apologies if I'm mistaken). It reeks a lot of "I can't help myself and I'm not accountable for this" when you definitely are. You are accountable for BEING a good partner, which includes being authentic. This is easier on everyone in the long run, and that way your partners won't feel betrayed or lied to.

No one is forcing you to pursue relationships with people that you know are incompatible at the outset. That's a choice you make. And then you choose to maintain the facade with them. This is a tale as old as time—whether it's the scarcity mindset, the pressure for people to be partnered, or just lack of knowledge about how relationships work (sometimes all of the above!)

If you want to know more about *how* to have the conversation with them, some of what I have here may help you:

loradayton.com/2022/01/26/how-to-have-the-kink-talk-with-your-partner/

I am not a huge fan of labeling a preference for a fat partner as a “fetish” or “kink”, precisely because it makes you feel like it is a “lesser” requirement for a successful relationship or a more shameful one than everything else. Physical attraction is important, especially at the onset of a relationship. Of course, most people have a range of what they consider attractive and acceptable in a partner and other qualities are equally important. I am very close friends with people who checked all the boxes except for the physical one, but I am married to the person who also checked the “physical” box.

Are you saying you can’t form bonds with people who aren’t fat?

I think it’s somewhat normal for people to not form romantic bonds they aren’t sexually attracted to. But it’s important to reflect on what others said here.

I empathise with this. Romantic and sexual attraction are not as identical as many people seem to think. There are definitely large overlaps, but it's not 100%. The level of overlap may vary among different people. Some people, for example, are asexual, but not aromantic.

For me, for example, I tend not to find very thin women attractive, but I can fall for someone a little curvy who isn't into any of this at all. This risks bedroom disappointment, of course, which is the tragedy for many of us.

Go for the physical attraction, there used to be a show called Millionaire Matchmaker and she stressed that with the men. For me I cannot be with a guy who is not obese and I learned that from trying and failing to stay sexually interested in people that aren’t my “type”. Before meeting my husband I vowed never to compromise on that again and when I met him I was so excited to be with a big guy after so long. We really clicked and now we’ve been together 11 years, married for 5. I’m very lucky, he is an amazing person!!!

That is adorable!

Unfortunately i have a really hard time with finding romantic attraction to other people (who whould welcome it) one very good friend of mine, a litteral sweetheart, stopped talking to me because of really bad mental health problems. A lot of people in my college, i find them immature in a toxic sense.

One person i really like is a fellow nb but they're also in a relationship.

I really want it but i dont have the best social skills to find a romantic partner. I don't have great luck so far :/